For those of you who are in a relationship while attending BCIT, feel free to fill out the following form letter to help explain to your significant other why they aren’t likely to see much of you in the New Year.
In September 2012, (I began/I began my second year in) the BCIT Marketing Management program. As a direct result, you suffered an unprecedented 95% reduction in quality time market share. This has put undue strain on our relationship, maybe even brought it to the brink. I wish I could tell you that in 2013 the situation will improve, but the truth is it’s just going to get worse.
The objective is to increase your understanding of my unique situation by 25%, and your willingness to wait for me to finish this program by 30%; in the next five minutes or however long it takes for you to finish reading this letter.
Your primary target audience is me.
- Demographics: I am ____ years old and in a relationship with you.
- Geographics: I live at school.
- Behavioural: My hobbies include MKTG 3417, MKTG 3339, MKTG 3317, and MKTG 3320.
- Psycographics: I’m exhausted. Also, I know I told you I thought this was cute, but I actually think it’s weird that you (sleep with your socks on/still use a Blackberry/think bacon complements everything).
Your secondary target audience is also me. This is what I meant that time I told you that you were smothering me.
Your direct competitor for my affection is BCIT. The two year marketing management program replaces social lives with group projects and can bring even the strongest relationship to its knees. The service costs about $10,000 and my sanity.
Your indirect competitors are all my friends and family who have not disowned me. They are indirect because their slice of the pie is just as limited as yours, and acquiring their share of the market would solve absolutely nothing. Twice as much of nothing and so forth.
- Strengths: You don’t remind me of anyone at school.
- Weaknesses: I can’t picture you most of the time anymore. Yes, I’m blaming that on you.
- Opportunities: When I graduate in May, you should probably do something nice, or take me somewhere nice, or give me something nice, or all of the above.
- Threats: When I point out what’s wrong with commercials, you may have no idea what I’m talking about. You should probably just keep smiling and nodding.
You’re just going to have to deal with it.
Advertising: I put a picture of me on your desktop, didn’t you see it?
Public Relations: Upcoming Valentine’s Day event (If I can manage it; I’m not making any promises)
Sales Promotion: When they finally figure out cloning, I’ll let you have two for one.
Direct Marketing: You’re reading it.
Online: I think it’s best if we keep the fine details of our relationship off of the internet, don’t you?
None. I plan on spending all of my money (and a good portion of yours) in New Orleans in March.
I know the past few months have been especially hard. I know you feel neglected and I hope this letter has communicated exactly how much I care.
Please fill out the following questionnaire to help me better respond to your needs.
Would you like to receive my newsletter so you can stay up to date with my life even though I’m never around?
May I contact you with you with other communications, like contests and sweepstakes and other gimmicks designed to momentarily take your mind off all of this?
Please use this space to fill me in on everything important that’s happened to you in the past three months.
Your responses are strictly confidential and your information will not be shared with any third parties.